Where the hell did you guys learn to drive?

Swerving, darting, weaving, slamming on the brakes, passing on the shoulder, tailgating, and blasting the horn - no matter what combination of these I try, I still can't seem to get through to you dumbshits! Just yesterday, I was dialing a number on my cell phone, and when I looked up, a bunch of you assholes had come to an almost complete stop. I had to hit the brakes so hard that I barely had time to grab the steering wheel.

This is getting out of hand!

If you assholes can't show me the common courtesy to just not be on the road at the same time I am, the least you can do is follow some basic rules:

Rule number one: Stay the fuck out of my way. If you can't do that, at least get the fuck out of my way once you screw it up. If I'm driving, I'm trying to get somewhere. I don't need your sorry ass preventing that just because you're afraid to take a free right turn due to the traffic volume. Just go. That's why God gave brakes to those other dumbshits.

Rule number two: Be a good samaritan on your own time. Just because traffic is backed up, and someone is waiting to get out from a parking lot, doesn't mean that you need to let the dumbshit in front of you. Get your ass in gear. If you want to pull this kind of shit, the least you can do is be behind me.

Rule number three: Learn to fucking merge. It's like we have an entire generation of people with deficient merging genes. It's simple, you moron: find a spot to enter into the flow of traffic, and get into it. If I'm only one car length behind the dumbshit in front of me, in front of me isn't the spot to enter. If you look like you could be a cop, I want you in front of me. If I slow down to let you in, don't slow down with me. I drive a fucking Tercel. There is no oomph for me to get back up to speed. In fact, the car is so fucking gutless that if you do slow down, then speed up, it will probably take me a mile or more to flip off your stupid ass.

There are more rules that come to mind, but I don't want to inundate your pea-sized brains with too much sense at once. Hell, considering your degree of idiocy, this may be too much information for you to grasp.

That's my take.

Celebrity marriages

If they hadn't followed the last game in the NCAA tournament one night with some of the crap that would normally be on earlier, this might not even make my blog. For some reason, though, the channel stayed on one of those celebrity news shows after the game, and I watched at it a bit.

It seems that Britney Spears isn't so infatuated with her hubby at the moment. Who'd have guessed? I'm going to refrain from bashing her, because, if the story is true, I don't want to blow my chance to fuck her. I mean, who knows when she'll be doing a show in my town, and, afterward, want to go out for a drink to a smoke-filled, karaoke bar to pick up the sexiest fat, bald guy in there for a romp in the sack? Just imagining what it would be like to have that tight body writhing in ecstacy gives me a boner.

I have no fantasy about a relationship with Britney lasting, though. I couldn't handle all the travel, primping, and cameras, and she probably wouldn't give it all up to ride around in a station wagon. Our statures in life are just so different. That's probably part of the reason the superstar singer is having problems with her stage dancing partner.

But holding the same stature doesn't necessarily mean success, either. Take Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, for example. While these two celebs probably deserve each other, it's because they both are rather annoying. What were they thinking when they sold the rights to follow them around as newlyweds? I'm thinking it had to be Jessica's idea. She seems as though she'd be capable of missing three on two-question test. Nick knows he's out of his league with her, and, if he hadn't been in a boy band, his witching stick would never have found her wet spot, so he just goes along with her stupid idea.

My daughter told me that they were backing out of the show, and suspected that they were also having problems with their marriage. Oh well. I don't have the same feelings about her that I do about Britney. She's fine enough that I could probably handle it if she were totally unable to speak, but the best way to lose a hard on over her is to have the volume on.

Though I really don't care about these marriages like you dumbshits who encourage the networks into putting that crap on when there isn't a tourney going on, I really do hope that one celebrity marriage works out.

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are about as beautiful a couple as I can imagine. I've had a crush on Jennifer since I first saw Friends. You know, I can't honestly say how good of an actress she is. I'm always so focused on her ass that I forget there's a plot, or something. But as fine as she is, news of her marriage being in trouble doesn't motivate me like Britney's does. Jennifer has always been like the beautiful girl next door. She has an almost pure personna compared to Britney who I think of more as the slutty cheerleader type. Also unlike Britney, I know Jennifer's husband's name without having to Google an answer, and she deserves somebody as good as him.

Brad Pitt is like the ultimate male superstar. He's a great actor. He draws the audience into his characters like few can. I'll watch a movie if I know he's in it because he's just that great of an actor. He also seems like he'd be a cool guy to have for a friend, you know, like picking up the tab, and leaving the ladies for his buds because he's faithful to Jennifer and/or Angelina. On top of that, he's always on those 'sexiest man alive' lists, and for good reason. He seems to have it all: skills, personality, and looks. He's so together that if he wanted to, despite that I'm not gay, I might let him give me a blow job.

This might be the only time I write about celebrity marriages because, for the most part, I'm not one of you dipshits that follows this crap.

That's my take.

The anti-smoking hypocrisy, and the dumbshits who buy it

I'm reading today that the governor of Washington wants to increase taxes on cigarettes twenty cents a pack. This will, in her opinion, raise essential revenues to assure higher quality education and health care for children, and will motivate many of us demons who smoke to quit.

Now I'm not a rocket scientist, but those seem to be opposing objectives. In other words, if she's successful at increasing revenues, how does motivating people to quit paying those revenues help? While you anti-smokers are stammering on some marketing slogan you've heard to answer that question, let me just add that you're dumbshits.

Some dumbshits also believe that smoking costs us money in health care because of the illnesses it causes. In order to believe this myth, you have to accept that if a person didn't get sick and die because of smoking, they would never get sick and die. That just isn't the case. In fact, if you can accept that it cost less to treat cancer ten years ago than it does today, it actually saves us money for a person to get sick and die as early as possible. Now don't give me any 'that's so inhumane' bullshit. We aren't talking humanity. We're talking cost because that's what the myth is.

If you factor in that a smoker is less likely to recover from an illness so they don't have to get sick again to die, and that they won't perform many operations on a patient who won't agree to quit smoking, the savings are exponentially compounded. When you consider the revenue generated by sin taxes, and taxes on the production and transportation of cigarettes, the cost is significantly offset. Finally, for each month that a life is shortened by early death from smoking, there is one less social security check being sent out. That saves us money.

It would be easier for me to accept you dumbshits if you weren't all assholes on top of it. 'I shouldn't have to breathe your smoke' is one of the whiny things I hear. I agree. You should stay the fuck away from me, especially if I'm smoking. But no, it can't be that simple. You might want to stop in at some out-of-the-way joint for a beer, and it bothers you that the people who support the bar might smoke cigarettes in there. It never dawns on your stupid asses to go to Red Robin, or any of thousands of other places that don't allow smoking because they don't want to allow it. I've got no problem with that. If we were there, and I wanted a smoke, I'd go out to the parking lot.

I was in a debate about this on a board. I said that a store should be able to allow smoking, even if they'd be crazy to do it. I was asked 'whose rights are violated if stores are required to be non-smoking.' The answer was simple: the owner's rights are being violated, you dumbshit!

So anyway, our non-smoking, cancer-surviving governor will probably get her twenty cent tax. It's because most of you 'humanitarians' don't really give a shit about what's right or wrong. All you really care about is paying for government excesses with other people's money.

That's my take.

Neuheisel is lucky NCAA are dumbshits

To consider the merits of this case, football fans need to turn a blind eye to the fact that Rick Neuheisel is a lying scumbag who leaves a wake of problems everywhere he launches, and look to find the answer only to whether the UW had the right to fire him without paying him. As a secondary part of his lawsuit against the UW, Neuheisel named the NCAA (that stands for Nazis Controlling Acadamean Athletics, or something like that) as co-defendants claiming they pressured the UW into 'wrongfully' firing him and terminating his contract.

Now some of you dumbshits probably think that a coach necessarily stops getting paid just because he gets fired, but that's not always so. There are teams out there today paying one guy to coach the team, and another guy that got fired to not coach it. There has to be some sort of way to for the obligor to break the contract. Sometimes it's written in as a buyout, sometimes it's a team option. Sometimes there aren't any.

Whatever other terms there may have been in the contract with Neuheisel, the UW was citing a clause that allowed them to fire him 'for acts of dishonesty' as their justification for not paying him what remained due on his contract.

Neuheisel claimed that Barbara Hedges and he had some sort of code through which his untrue words were translated into her full awareness. And he cried. The UW put up former university president Lee Huntsman, who went at Neuheisel's story like a skilled fighter dismantling his opponent with flurries of body punches.

For a while, it seemed like those of you who don't consider things like merit happened to get the right answer, even if you were too fucking stupid to know why the answer was right.

Neuheisel was staggering, and the big boys at the NCAA were in line to deliver the decisive blow. They must have just gotten the 'blow' part because these fucking ignorami didn't have the good sense to research their own fucking case! I believe the whole fucking lot of them graduated from college just so they wouldn't be illiterate on top of being stupid! Even you dumb asses would have thought to include applicable policies, and to consider consequences of new policies! That's right - the NCAA are dumber than you stupid fuckers!

Neuheisel weaseled a $4.7 million settlement, mostly on the back of the NCAA. Myles Brand said he believed the association acted properly. Would you expect anything less from the dumbshit who fired Bobby Knight?

Most of the settlement from the UW is a $1.5 million loan they were never going to see repaid anyway. They said some polite things about putting this behind them, and being glad that the NCAA accepted responsibility. I'd have said Neuheisel knew we kicked his ass, and the NCAA fucked the case up. Of course, that's why they don't hire me to be their spokesman.

That's my take.